stockvault-uncertain101856I hesitate to even write this… (*chuckles sadly* Cowardice personified right there, folks. Jeez, I’m a wimp.)

Anyhow, I had a panic attack last night.

A bad one.

Full-blown.

My stomach even joined in for three hours of jolly good fun in and out of the bathroom.

It was simply terrible.

And exactly like the ones I used to have twenty years ago…

Exactly like the ones twenty years ago that crippled me and locked me in my room for ungodly stretches of time (years, people.)

I haven’t had one of these in probably nine years, the last time I had to up my medication to control the damned things.

Thankfully, there was a different reason for this setback. A stupid reason. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

I forgot to take my medicine yesterday morning… for the first time in 18 years.

Needless to say that won’t happen again.

But what really has freaked me out is the stark realization that even after all these years of relatively panic-maintained living, I am still so, so close to losing myself to the illness again.

One missed handful of pills and I’m back to that horrible place that scarred me so terribly.

So, yes. I hesitated even to write this.

Admitting to the world that you are still one sick puppy is daunting and a little stomach-turning.

It’s scary.

But it’s cowardice well-deserved.

Until tomorrow…

Chloe (survivor)

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Acclaimed author of 17 novels (my dogs and mother adore me), World traveler (I’ve felt the Sahara Desert between my toes… still gobsmacked over the stars in the Sahara) And survivor (of three dirty-fighting gremlins named Anxiety, Panic and OCD)… My name is Chloe Stowe. Hello. If you’ve found your way here, you’ve most likely arrived on the coattails of my blog, The Words and Madness of Chloe Stowe. Started in 2012, my daily rantings now number in the thousands. Ranging from humorous to moody, poignant to absurd, these tiny tidbits of thought began as a way to get my name “out there.” It has long since morphed into an effort just to “be there” for anybody out there struggling with words or madness, like me. Quick biographical sketch of me? Nerd turned nut at nineteen. In my sophomore year at Auburn University, I was taken out at the knees by severe panic attacks. Chronic anxiety soon joined the dogpile, followed shortly by OCD tendencies. Oh, it was ugly. I eventually had to quit school and soon quit life, as well. I spent a good chunk of my 20’s not able to leave my room. Twenty years later, it’s still can get ugly in my head. Thanks to meds and doctors, however, I am able to lead a better life, now. I still can’t work outside the house, but I can live and smile and write. So, here I am. Broken, but stubbornly present. I hope my voice proves company to someone lonely out there. Thanks for reading! Chloe Stowe

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